Wednesday, July 20, 2011

sick of myself

my favorite matthew sweet song, and one of my all time 90's favorites is this entry's inspiration. the song has nothing to do with this, but the title is appropriate considering the information i'm about to divulge.

a little over 4 months ago, i weighed the most i ever have. i was literally sick of myself and i knew something had to give. either i was going to be dead by 35 or i was going to stop being selfish and make some changes.

407 pounds does weird things to a person. it makes them feel completely worthless. it makes them wonder whether they deserve to live. it makes them question why they can't seem to make seemingly simple decisions to stop eating. but most of all, it makes them feel disgusted with what they see in the mirror, no matter what's on the periphery.

fast forward to now. there's about 90 pounds removed from that 407. it's a different person occupying my body and my attitude is pretty much that i can conquer the world. granted, i know there's a long way to go. but the hard part is over. wrestling with the decision seems so stupid now.

it's like someone handing you 2 guns. one's real and it's loaded. the other's a water gun, also loaded. then they tell you, "okay, pick one and point it at your head; now pull the trigger." it's a no brainer (pardon the pun). but when you're in the position i was in, that loaded gun just seemed like it couldn't hurt me. until one day, you fire a shot into the air and you realize "holy sh*t, that thing will kill me."

so here i am. wiser, stronger, more focused. the world is mine. i hope you guys are ready for the ride.