toes

ahhh, if i could only get my toes in the water and my ass in the sand, things would be just about perfect.  i am loving life, i'll tell you that much.

things change when you start to look at life differently.  of course, a lot of that comes from the fact that i am literally a new man.  i've lost a small, adult woman.  that is to say, i am roughly 95 pounds lighter than i was at this point 5 months ago.  i have a new lease on life, and it's funny how that will make a man appreciate the little things.

i've been to new orleans and galveston the last two weekends on distinctly different vacations.  new orleans was to get away for my 11th anniversary with the most beautiful woman i've ever laid eyes on.  and we got to go with two of our best friends in the world, to help us share the occasion.  it was a wonderful weekend of drinking, eating and sightseeing.

galveston was the family vacation, with my 2 little hellions.  i love those kids more than life itself, but i think they were specifically programmed to find my last nerve and jump up and down on it.  having said that, it was still awesome getting to spend time with them away from home.  they love it anytime we get to leave the city, so they had a blast.  especially when they got to go to schlitterbahn and moody gardens.

and this weekend will be an entirely different getaway, as i head to college station for my annual fantasy football draft with my best friends.  this will be daddy and his stupid friends time.  hopefully nobody gets arrested.  just kidding, honey.  i hope.

so, there is a distinctly positive outlook on the horizon.  life is good today.  life is good today...

sick of myself

my favorite matthew sweet song, and one of my all time 90's favorites is this entry's inspiration. the song has nothing to do with this, but the title is appropriate considering the information i'm about to divulge.

a little over 4 months ago, i weighed the most i ever have. i was literally sick of myself and i knew something had to give. either i was going to be dead by 35 or i was going to stop being selfish and make some changes.

407 pounds does weird things to a person. it makes them feel completely worthless. it makes them wonder whether they deserve to live. it makes them question why they can't seem to make seemingly simple decisions to stop eating. but most of all, it makes them feel disgusted with what they see in the mirror, no matter what's on the periphery.

fast forward to now. there's about 90 pounds removed from that 407. it's a different person occupying my body and my attitude is pretty much that i can conquer the world. granted, i know there's a long way to go. but the hard part is over. wrestling with the decision seems so stupid now.

it's like someone handing you 2 guns. one's real and it's loaded. the other's a water gun, also loaded. then they tell you, "okay, pick one and point it at your head; now pull the trigger." it's a no brainer (pardon the pun). but when you're in the position i was in, that loaded gun just seemed like it couldn't hurt me. until one day, you fire a shot into the air and you realize "holy sh*t, that thing will kill me."

so here i am. wiser, stronger, more focused. the world is mine. i hope you guys are ready for the ride.

little wing

listening to the srv and hendrix classic has got me to thinking about how precious life is and how it can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. stevie ray is my favorite guitarist of all time and i still remember the day he died. a few years later, i would hear about kurt cobain's passing, then tupac shakur, then layne staley and the list goes on.

musicians and other celebrities dying seem to hit me pretty hard. but what about the other so-called "regular" people who leave us unexpectedly everyday? where's the feelings of sadness for those people?

i guess what i'm saying is that we should treat all human life the same way - christopher wallace was just another person before he was the notorious b.i.g. - should i honor him any differently if he was chris the mailman as opposed to chris, aka big poppa?

people's music and art touch us and inspire us, but so do those who teach us and relate to us every day on a more personal level.

just something to think about...

tiny dancer

sunday is my wife's birthday. i've known her since we were 11 years old. we started dating 18 years ago. and we've been married for almost 11 years.

there's nothing about me that she doesn't know, and vice versa. we are that couple that completes each other's thoughts, but we've always been careful about not crossing over into creepy or gross lovey-dovey, schmoopy territory.

this is my attempt to explain to her (and those of you reading) how much she has impacted my life. i try to be a better man, husband and father because i'm scared to disappoint her in any way. if she wasn't here with me tomorrow, i wouldn't be either.

some things transcend explanation or simple logic and i think our relationship is one of those things. i try to make her mixtapes (or cd's) to give her some insight, but they never fully capture all of the emotions running through my little brain.

i've written prose to try and adequately express my feelings, but there's a disconnect between my brain and the pen in my hand that could never allow those thoughts to mean the same thing that they mean in my head.

so my actions are ultimately all i have, and i hope those actions do some justice to the way i feel. i know i'm not perfect, but to me she is. and i'll do my best to make every year she celebrates better than the one that came before it.

happy birthday to the perfect woman. love you.

read my mind

this kindle thing might be one of the coolest things ever. i bought my wife one for her birthday about 2 years ago and since then i've used it a couple of times. but the coolest thing was when they made an app for it on the iPhone and more importantly, the iPad. now i essentially have my own kindle, but with all the other badass things the iPad can do.

when i had jury duty a couple of weeks ago, i broke out the iPhone and did some reading. it's funny how many people lose that passion for reading. when i was younger, i couldn't read enough. once i got to college, i lost that love. now i'm hoping to re"kindle" it. you see what i did there?

so with that in mind, i set out to make a list of a few books i want to read by the end of the year. feel free to join me on my quest and maybe we can discuss once we're done. without further adieu, here's my list:

collected stories by john cheever
blood meridian by cormac mccarthy
a sport and a pastime by james salter
a sense of where you are by john mcphee
winter's bone by daniel woodrell
women by charles bukowski
american tabloid by james ellroy
so long, see you tomorrow by william maxwell

one man army

one of my favorites from what i think is an underrated band, our lady peace. i chose this because i feel like i am a one man army sometimes, even though i know that to not be the case. there are plenty of people on my side, but i often feel like i'm the only one fighting on the front lines. however, i know that's also not true as there are many of my friends who have taken paths similar to mine.

there are definitely times when i'm frustrated, though. this past weekend was one of those times. we were eating at rainforest cafe - the kids love it, the parents not so much. the food is okay, but the prices can be downright ridiculous. case in point, we ordered 4 soft drinks (2 were included in the kids meal price), 2 kids meals, an appetizer of chips and queso, an appetizer size quesadillas and a side salad. it was $50.

my frustration came in when i ordered a side salad, ate less than half, and paid $7 for it. i wanted something else, but couldn't justify spending $10-15 for something i knew i couldn't finish half of.

so, i know i'm better off than before and i'm truly grateful for the opportunity i was given. but i am still getting adjusted to this and frustration is one of the many emotions i entertain on a daily basis when it comes to food.

it's like a girlfriend you know isn't good for you. the relationship is toxic and everyone around you can see it except for you. you're blinded by how pretty she is and by how good she can make you feel before she lets you down again. in the end, you have to take drastic measures to ensure your survival. that's what i've done. i didn't trust myself around food, that's the bottom line.

so here we are roughly 8 weeks later, almost 65 lbs lost and starting to get some of my long lost confidence and swagger back. i still can't eat pizza, hamburgers, pasta, most dairy products, eggs and the list goes on. but that's okay and i'm slowly figuring out what i can handle. and things will get better - it's always darkest before the light. and i know i'm not a one man army, even if i feel like it sometimes...

roll away your stone

it's been a while.  glad to be back, though. i chose this title for a couple of reasons - first, it's a great song by one of my favorite new(er) bands; and second, it's kind of a metaphor for opening up to life.

i got a message from a friend of mine this morning asking some basic questions about my surgery and if i regretted anything. as someone who has struggled with their weight for their entire adult life, i don't regret anything.

i have tried every diet, taken pills, tried out for reality shows - you name it, i've done it. after struggling all those years, i made the decision to have surgery. some people say i took the easy way out. to them, i say "you try it". i've made huge lifestyle changes because i knew i couldn't do it on my own. i willingly took the fork out of my mouth, so to speak. it was my decision to make a change. it was my decision to know that i'll never be able to eat the same way again.

so, would i do it over again if i had to? you bet your a$$ i would.

i didn't get chosen to be on a reality show. if i had, things might have been different. but i didn't, so i made the choice i had to make, knowing myself and my habits/routines. i saved my life, and i don't care what anybody says or thinks because they don't live my life. end of rant.

so, in summary, i am happy. i would do this again. i am thankful for the prayers and kind words of the people who have supported me. i don't care what the haters say. why? 'cause haters gon' hate...